Hitting Bottom

Bring me down darkness.
     Bring me down.
Bring me down darkness,
Down, down, down, down.

Down on my knees,
Down without any dreams,
Down. Down. Down,
 beneath any thought of God,
  any thought of love,
Beneath anything benign, 
Beneath the very worst of me, 
Where hope has been forgotten 
And the voices of enemies reign,
Where nothing that is important will ever be heard of again.

Bring me down to where I think I belong, 
Because my father didn’t know how to love,
My sister was abandoned and died without anyone. 
Bring me down.
Down down down down

Until I crash and come back once again.

And maybe I can let go
Of the pain deep in my soul
Of missing my mother who never had a chance to be who she was
Because she was dragged down into unfathomable darkness
When her daughter did not survive
  the childhood they gave her,
  the childhood  I evaded 
And did not see the pain around me,
The incest and abuse.
I did not know.

The darkness wrestles with me,
One moment at a time
I collapse and am forgiven
And the light of hope shines.
I let go of these burdens.
I’ve claimed them before and now let them fly,
In the light of the spirit, l let go of the pain, self-blame and am open to redemption. 
I don’t know what else to call this blessing,
   the lightness that sometimes I feel,
   the lightness when I know I’m not my father, 
   that my mother made her own way

That my sister is in heaven, 
Whatever that is, if only away from this hell,

The hell she was raised with, that twisted her soul, crushed until that day the fishermen found her,
 having floated downstream to her grave,
Against the Cherokee county water’s shore, and pulled out three days later,
After 104 degrees of summer sun decayed her 
and the skin fell off of her bones. 
And left my mother crumbled on the floor,
 My father thinking all evidence died.

None of this is about me.
I. Am. The. Forgotten. Son.
And when he died, 
Much rage went with him. A storm that finally died.
There is no hell for him. 
He just fucking died.

And now when I think of him, I know he wanted more. 
His mind was warped,
   He thought their relationship was special.

And after her death it was eight years before I called him,
And I know, he wished I did not.
He said, “if we are going to argue, I’d rather you not come around.”
And I said, “Dad, I know that you fear me, that I might disturb the new family you found. And I really have no interest in bringing you down.”

Now they are all gone,
  the wind scattered us like straw,
  I can stand up, and say. “Your plan did not work”
  I’m  standing here,
 strong against the darkness of the nothing  you thought I was worth. 

I stood up against the siren song
 to bring about my own death.

I stood up without you
And found love
And love
And am loved.

If death is like a fire and vanquishes all sin,
 if it leaves us holy with all that we could have been,
 I want you to know dad,
that I succeeded in what, in this life, you were unable to know;
deep love.

If you are just dead, its impressive to know, you raised a loving man,
   who, most days, wrestles the darkness 
   and lets the hate go.

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